When at Last I Find Our Way Out of Here or Ice Cream Fixes Everything

This was originally posted around March or April 2008. The secondary title is absolute truth in my own experience. Whenever my head is messed up in emotional turmoil (such as the night before my marriage and many many subsequent post divorce ones) a bowl of ice cream, or a hot fudge sundae put me in a better place.

Now on with the story!!



After much gurgling, suffocating, and choking, Steve had finished navigating the gelatinous zone into which he had stepped ignorantly into at the end of the last installment. He coughed out some orange gelatin of a popular name brand and set out along a river of what seemed like chocolate flowing rather rapidly from right to left. In the distance he could hear what sounded to him like chanting, or workmen singing. At this distance it was difficult for his exhausted brain to comprehend. Then a narrating voice carried above the singing but still faint under the rush of creamy milk chocolate (I'm really hoping that the references I'm in the midst of making are of popularity enough to be so super well known and that by not naming names I can avoid licensing fees, fingers crossed).

"And there's only one other place in the whole world, heck, the galaxy, that stirs its chocolate by waterfall and that's our first factory which is so well known..." and the narrator's voice trailed away. Steve figured he had just heard a tour of the factory pass by. He decided to follow the sweet gooey goodness of the river and quickly found himself at the top of a chocolate waterfall that rivalled Niagara in Steve's mind. From up here he could see the tour just disappear from his view at the far end of the room where they passed through an opening in the wall headed for another area of the tour. As Steve scanned the area, he noticed what everyone has come to expect out of a fantastic candy and chocolate making factory, edible Easter grass and all. He racked his mind to remember the legends of six or so children on a tour of a place such as this and was very careful to prevent any similar fate befalling upon him.

It took him some time to climb down from the top of the chocolate falls and Steve decided through some semi-illogical reasoning that like ancient cities, he could find civilization along the banks. He wasn't totally wrong per se, but the little singing people of funny skin colors (and they ranged across the spectrum) seemed more happy to laugh at him instead of assist him. But soon enough, once he too finally entered the next room was grabbed up under the arms and whisked as best as the little ones could carry him (with his toes dragging along the factory floor) to the holding area where Jacob was sitting, gnawing on a licorice twirl like a cigarette (because of state and federal non-smoking laws, he wasn't allowed to enjoy any type of tobacco product while indoors-especially since this was a sterile food producing environment). For the first time in as long as he could remember, Jacob voluntarily swallowed his licorice juice and looked up when he saw Steve's shadow.

"Oh man am I glad to see you," Jacob said emotionally, "she fell. She fell far and hard, I don't think it's good at all." And Jacob began weeping a bit. Even he, with his tough guy bravado, couldn't believe after all the three of them had been through together, that this could very well be the adventure that ended it all. Steve of course was confused. After getting Jacob to get all of the broken pieces of his explanation told and assembled into chronological order Steve too began to think things looked pretty bad.

But this was no ordinary chocolate and candy factory. It truly was a magical place. Steve and Jacob had been in a waiting room reminiscent of a dingy linoleumed empty but for some chairs room for at least a couple of hours when a man in a white lab coat entered with a shower cap on his head and a surgical mask pulled down under his chin. The two men perked up.

"How is it? Will she be okay?" Steve asked excitedly.

"I suppose so, it took some time for us to get all that caramel in her without blowing a seam...but it looks like the boys got a handle on that now and she should hit the shelves in about a month." Mr. Lab Coat proceeded to the half-empty vending machine (ironic no?), inserted his coins and chose a package of the competition's cookies. Steve and Jacob shared a look that was diverted to the door because a man who was dressed in a top hat and purple velour three piece suit with a white carnation in the breast pocket walked in and grabbed the boys around their shoulders and gave them a big bear hug.

"Congratulations, men," he told them squeezing like they were an icing anointment utensil over in the muffin division, "Your friend his going to be just fine. She took a pretty good fall, but we got her awake, gave her a bowl of her favorite ice cream, and she's happily resting comfortably. Follow me!"

Sue was just finishing her bowl of ice cream and a big smile came to her face when the three men walked in. She was very happy to see them. The following day the three friends departed the chocolate wonderland and got a ride home in an old yellow cab from 1950s New York City but with some very bizarre dents and modifications which the cab driver was all too willing to tell them about. It started making their heads spin to understand it all and when they thought this cab might have been a bad idea (even Steve) they left the earth's surface and headed for space, making jumping out a non-option.


the end